Posted on 5/21/2010 at 12:12:07 AM
Ok so they arnt really short, more knee lenght but they are shorts! Yes! Today I purchased a pair of shorts. And wore them with pride. My pasty pale pins got some air and a slight tan. The only problem is that they are cotton and when I drove down to ipswich is was a bit warm and I had to change back into my jeans owing to the fact that my shorts where now like a spounge. Also, the sun had dissapeared (probably because I had entered suffolk). Mr T’s family resembled a punch and judy show at the window and it scared me into diving into my passenger footwell to avoid being seen. Once they had beaten the crocodile with sausages yelling ‘that’s the way to do it’ and their show was over, I got into Mr T’s car and he took me to felixstow. I was so excited on the way. I’ve never been. I won’t be going again any time soon. It was a bit of a dissapointment to be fair. The highlight was seeing Mr T on the dance machine. Also he was fairly shocked that I went very shy in the fish and chip shops. Believe it or not, I do stop talking sometimes!
Posted on 5/19/2010 at 1:42:29 AM
I’ve reached my enough is enough point. My self worth and esteem reached rock bottom yesterday and I’m not tollerating that. The fact I have to proove that I’m ill to the government, attend meetings to arrange ‘disability and illness support’ no. Jog on. I didn’t ask for this life so why should I live it like this? I don’t want this illness so why should I let it stop my life? I’ve been ill for 3 nearly 4 years. How much longer do I accept benefits and admit defeat for? So I’ve applied for apprenticeships. I don’t care if it half kills me, the self worth I will get from it will be worth it. As I write this on my blackberry, I am in a lot of pain, but I don’t care. ME has had enough time from me and now its time for some me time and to put myself first rather than my illness. My life, I will live it according to my wishes, not my illness’. Up yours.
Posted on 5/17/2010 at 5:47:42 PM
There are five songs i’m constantly listening too at the moment.
These are the following:
Passion Pit- Sleepy Head
Pendulum – Watercolour
Faithless – Not Going Home
Owl City – Fireflies
Feeder – Just the way i’m feeling
My song is: Sleepyhead -
This song kind of descrives how I feel half the time, like when I’m in a headfog and then suddenly everything makes sense again and feels alot better. When I have something to look forward to or something goes right and I get excited and feel happy again.
Basically this is just one big feel good summer tune!
I listen to the feeder song is cos i’m going to see them in 12 days and Im so excited!!!!
Posted on 5/17/2010 at 1:12:32 AM
Im feeling quite low at the moment. I’m not sure why, just incredibly frustrated, fed up and upset with my whole situation. I don’t want to be in bed anymore infact I actually hate being in bed. I want to be out, working and with my friends. I feel as if im in the blackest part of the tunnel, as i cant remember what is like to feel well and i cant see myself getting better so i can not see light at either end of the tunnel.
I dont want this anymore i want to be my old self and i want to have a life. Im fed up of sleeping it away.
I feel very isolated and very trapped. There are parts of living in the middle of nowhere that I love and parts that I hate. This is one of them. I feel that if i lived in the city i would be able to meet more people and possibly also have a chance of attending college one day a week to help myself but i would have a 22 mile drive for that one day that i just can’t do.
Im trapped in my own body and my own home and its getting me down so much.
My life has stopped and it really isnt getting going again and I resent this illness so much. I resent my body for not letting me live the way i want to.
I’m so frustrated i just want to shout and to scream and to cry. Instead im just having to cry so i dont wake my family up.
I have no consept of time as i loose track of the days and weeks. i thought it was friday when its actually sunday. I just know that im ill and i have been for a fucking long time.
Posted on 5/16/2010 at 9:08:49 PM
I just read a news article about Sophia Mirza. (Read it here). Sophia died from ME in 2005. This was the first time in the UK that ME was the cause of death.
ME is being ignored. It is being treated with drugs for mental illness’ – indeed I am being treated with antidepressants. I admit it takes away a fair bit of the blues, I know for a fact that if I didn’t take these that I would be in a constant state of dis-pare. As it is, I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel, and it really gets me down. I have forgotten what it feels like to feel well. I spend my days in a darkened room and that isn’t natural, and its enough to make anybody depressed.
Today hasn’t been an overrly great day. I’ve had better but I have had a hell of alot worse. I just felt like i was running on dead batteries and needed to sleep quite alot or just lie down and rest.
ME is being ignored and if it carrys on there will never ever be a cure. If a person injures their spine, they are given the best medical treatment available incase of paralasis. Our spinal chords are inflamed – we get constant pain, headaches, fatigue and sometimes WE CAN’T MOVE. Yet we get no help. How long will the last?
Raise awareness for ME.
{For all those who lost hope and ended their battle, RIP}
Posted on 5/15/2010 at 2:49:43 AM
I saw Mr T today! (finally). And I am so proud of myself. I didn’t eat a scrap of junk food (i.e. McDonald’s burger king etc). We actually had a proper meal yay-go-us-high-five! We went to Frankie and Benny’s omnomnomnomnom. I had steak and chips and he had this ENORMOUS burger that was the size of his face. It actually had to be held together with a kebab stick. (Please excuse the crapness of my phone camera. I didn’t pick up my digital camera as I left the house as Mr T isn’t a fan of photographs)
One plate of pure cholesterol
This rather amazingly greasy meal was followed with a highly satisfactory pudding of a toffee sundae, complete with toffee ice cream, chocolate ice cream, chocolate malt balls (no brands mentioned *cough*maltesers*cough*), marshmallows, chocolate sauce topped off with whipped cream.
OH EM GEE!
I know where I will be eating again. The pudding was worth the £4 in parking for 2 hours.
Posted on 5/13/2010 at 3:46:38 PM
Last night, I had an allergic reaction. I have no idea what to but i have a feeling it was to that brown furry thing that lives in my kitchen that might have rolled in something smelly. But if that is the case, i can now say that I had an allergic reaction to ’something smelly’. This isn’t the first reaction that i’ve had. Infact I actually have numberous allergies…. Below is the list.
Im allergic to all of this!
The first time I had an allergic reaction was at school in year 9. My face swelled up to 3 times it’s size, and i got sent to the medical room for THREE HOURS untill my parents picked me up. My dad rang NHS direct and we where told to “get her straight to hospital she could die”. At hospital I had to have a 6 inch needle shoved in my arm whilst being pinned down by 4 doctors as I was that bad. Hello Needle Phobia. Didn’t have you before this.
My second allergic reaction was to a conker. For some reason I didn’t class it as a nut.
The problem I have now is that I have a needle to dispose of in my room from an epi pen. My dad had great fun watching me trying to stab myself with this thing. I have a needle phobia and to have to sit there trying to stab yourself with one really takes alot of confidence. I kept going for it and chickening out, doing some sort of spakky dance, perhaps looking like im having a fit. It’s not a big needle, but it’s still a long, thin, sharp piece of metal.
Epi Pen Needle
After having woken my parents with the words “Whoever’s awake, Im having an allergic reaction” and watching my mum roll over and dad get out of bed, dad sat with me to take the epi pen, then whilst half asleep said the words “Having an allergic reaction is your body telling you what it is like to swallow a button”.
It was worth swelling up just for that.
Posted on 5/12/2010 at 5:33:10 PM
Basically, I’ve promised Mr T a cake. In my eyes, this cake will make or break me. It will either improve our relationship, friendship and any other kind of ship you can think of, or destroy it forever.
I’m not going to beat about the bush.
I CANT COOK.
At all.
I consider a pot noodle a gormet meal. I burn crumpets and then run round the kitchen with them on fire.
Not only that, I’m allergic to eggs.
Not only can I not cook, I can’t bake either. I’m the only person that cooks jam tarts, then the mixture won’t stick because there is too little water and then they are suddenly drowned. I regularly burn egg free cakes, jam tarts, biscuits – anything that I attempt to make.
Mr T is also being fairly demanding. He wants a “chocolate and vanilla cake in the shape of a bear head”. WTF!! o.O?!?!? I don’t even know how to draw a bear head let alone re-create it out of a vanilla sponge!
I have a plan though. I’m going to get one of those cake mixtures (I admit defeat already) and just spend the whole baking time on my knees begging it not to burn.
I get the impression that they are fairly easy to use, i’ve made a cheese cake from one of those packets before. It was pretty good if i say so myself.
Failing the packet cake, there’s a greggs down the road. And Mr T shouldn’t complain in my opinion. He’s getting a free cake out of me.
Posted on 5/12/2010 at 3:16:29 PM
I can always tell when my period is coming.
Everything slows down.
Its like all the energy is going there. My body becomes
slow andfinds it hard to function. Its almost as if
I'm constantly walking and moving in water and have
that resistance to beat.
There is also the extreme period pain; my thighs
ache, my arms ache -I can feel that I've been
fighting through that water.
Its 4.30 in the morning. I've just had some wheetabix
and wanting to settle down to sleep. I'm going to
sleep, as my family are waking up.
Its an inconvenience. You could see it in a number of ways;
1: it passes the time till they get home,
2: well I like the space but it would be nice to see them or
3: I would do anything to be waking up now and going to work.
I have chronic fatigue syndrome.
My body is tired.
I am tired.
I become tired by simply walking to the bathroom.
By the way I feel I can tell you that my period
will start tomorrow.
I can tell you that I'm going to be asleep for most
of the next three days and each time wake up feeling
exactly as I feel now. I can tell you lots of things,
but my brain won't allow it.Its all the tip of my
tounge, I just make the connection. If Michael Fish
where to describe my brain, it would be overcast
and foggy. A head fog. I get them a lot.
Most days, along with a searing crippling headache.
I walkdownstairs and my muscles ache as if I've just
run a marathon. I can't write anymore.
I need to sleep.
It will be light,
dreamy and un refreshing.
Night night x
M.E. and me
